Our Romantic Comedy
by Caramel Rain
Summary: Seto X Serenity. Full Summary Inside. His favorite word was HAHAHAHA. Hers was Damn. Oh Lord!
1. Prologue

**Our Romantic Comedy**

By: Caramel Rain

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or anything else for that matter of fact.

Summary: Everyone knows and loves the sweet and innocent Serenity Wheeler her beauty, her charm, and her naivety was renowned. Too bad that won't get her man. It's always Serenity the sister, Serenity the friend, heck even Serenity the back up of the backup of the babysitter. Well no longer is she going to spend her Saturday nights watching Juliet Robert movies and eating toffee; she's dating Seto Kaiba, and she loves it. (For now)

**Our Romantic Comedy**

Romantic Comedies. Whoever invented those little spawn of torture and wickedness should be hung, shot, and plucked. Shamefully, I admit being addicted to those little bursts of shallow, amorphous, guilty, pleasures, and I blame the lack of an actual love life and Meg Ryan for my illness. My incurable and utterly unrestrained passions for that one and a half hour of unbridled fantasy of gorgeous men standing seven feet tall with tight leather pants and a million-dollar smile (as well as million dollar bank accounts) were not fleeting; instead, they were itching closer and closer to destroy the already mutilated figure of my once ragingly successful career. I was twenty-six, accomplished, and well . . . loveless.

Romantic Comedies. Where do they come from? (Hint: It's not Goldie Hawn; she's retired) After tirelessly going through excruciating research and innumerable bags of caramel corn, I find that the answer to this timeless question lie in the tunnel of one lonesome demography, desperate women. Sadly I find myself as one of these poor wretched creatures that, wish, hope, and plead with the Supreme Being to give us our hero, our buff, sensitive, and perfect protagonist to complete the fairytales of our lives. After nine years of wishing, hoping, and pleading, I find myself almost giving up that fantasy, (settling for only six feet tall, super fitted jeans, and Crest White Strips by the cart load instead.) Then he appeared.

He, with his sparkling wicked blue eyes and low smooth voice, you know that kind that turns your insides into mango juice and reduces your speech capability to one of a new born baby, oh yeah he seemed like the one. The one whom I would fall into a deep passionate love with, the one whom would make me feel like I was on Prozac without me actually having to be on Prozac. When he spoke, it was with such conviction and passion, that I couldn't help but just tumble away into the dream that was his voice. Of course he was also highly regarded as the biggest bastard since Hitler, but that was a minor detail. And he also hates my brother, he kills little birdies as a hobby, and he might have pushed his dad out of a window. Hmmmmmmmm. Oh well, he's got a great ass.

He was the Romeo to my Juliet, the Mickey Mouse to my Minnie, the Desi to my Lucille, what I should have realized then was that Juliet died, Minnie never actually existed, and Lucille got divorced. Damn it. Cupid is such an evil little twit, but what can I say, I was more than willing to finally fall into the beautiful disaster known as love. What I wasn't willing to do was to rip out my heart, stomp on it, stomp on it some more, and then sauté it with jalapeno peppers. Although, I like jalapenos.

Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say; in my own awkward little way is that this is my story about how the desperate and the evil are perfect for each other. At first.

A/N: Well, that was the prologue. Good? Bad? Should I be tarred and feathered? Anyways I really need a Beta so if you're interested please e-mail me at . Feel free to criticize; I'm new at this, so I would really appreciate any commentary. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 1

**Our Romantic Comedy**

By: Caramel Rain

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. (Who the hell would be dumb enough to think so anyways?)

Summary: Everyone knows and loves the sweet and innocent Serenity Wheeler her beauty, her charm, and her naivety was renowned. Too bad that won't get her man. It's always Serenity the sister, Serenity the friend, heck even Serenity the back up of the backup of the babysitter. Well no longer is she going to spend her Saturday nights watching Juliet Robert movies and eating toffee; she's dating Seto Kaiba, and she loves it. (For now)

**Chapter 1**

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Hello? Ren, this is Joey. Listen sis, I want to ask you a tiny little favor. Could you maybe watch the kids for me for the weekend... and the rest of the week? Maybe? I'd really appreciate it. Me and Mai have a little...catching up... to do you know. Thanks. You're a doll."

**End of message.**

A doll. I'm a doll.

I can't believe that my married twenty-nine years old, burrito chugging, dim-witted brother is getting some from his wife while I baby-sit the little she-demons they call children. Hello! I'm the young, single, and deprived one. Besides, the kids aren't exactly every auntie's dream. Thelma and Louise have nothing on those two, and they especially had an affinity to credit cards in their dear old Auntie Serenity's wallet and anything moderately resembling purple. Well, they were Mai's daughters.

Yup, that explained it all.

So here I was, another Saturday night nursing my only possible salvation, a pint of Ben and Jerry's (Cherry Garcia of course) while slumping on my couch with my terrycloth bathrobe watching the female versions of Beeves and Butthead invade and obliterate my precious living space. Typical.

Then my doorbell rang.

I peeked out of that little glass hole in the door (I could never remember what that was called) and to my pleasant surprise; I found a hunk a chunk of burning love at my doorstep! (At that time, I didn't know that it was actually a hunk of coal.)

Me, Serenity Wheeler, whose love life could be surpassed by one of a dismantled toothpick holder, had just received the good fortune of discovering one of the most gorgeous men standing at my doorstep.

Now. All I had to do was open the door. The barrier between Adonis and me would then be no more.

So I did.

I shouldn't have.

As soon as I did, I heard the rumbling sounds of a super sexy voice, belonging to a super sexy body belonging to a super sexy...

Seto Kaiba?

Damn, I almost forgot about that article.

He looked angry. He looked very angry. He was sexy when he was angry.

Oh crap, he's speaking now.

"Where's Wheeler." Thank God, he doesn't recognize me.

"Um Hi, Serenity's out of town on an assignment, I'm... Yolanda her roommate. What do you need to see her for."

"Alright **Yolanda**, tell Wheeler when she comes back, if she comes back, to come and see me. We need to have a little chat about a very interesting little piece she wrote."

"Oh, Well, I'll be sure to tell her when she comes back."

"Aren't you going to ask for my name?"

"No... Ummm...since you're really super famous and everyone knows who you are." That's right keep feeding that gargantuan, never-ending black hole that was his ego.

Then God decided to scorn me.

"Auntie Ren, Auntie Ren, she finally got herself a man. Auntie Ren, Auntie Ren, she won't have to marry an ugly hen. Auntie Ren, Auntie Ren, she finally got herself a man!" Sang those who were determined to have me roasted, tarred, and slaughtered. Damn you and your ballet slippers Tea, for teaching the two little maniacs that crap. Humph. I can to get a man.

"I never knew Ren was short for Yolanda, I must be behind on the times."

"..." Oh Shit!

What a bastard, though a good-looking bastard.

"Listen Kaiba...I know you're here for the article, and I stand by what I wrote."

"Really, you little lying tart? You know I could make sure you never get another job working in this city, or even this country for matter of fact."

Gulp, I should really just shut up and nod, it got me through college, and it will get me through this.

I hope.

Yup, just shut up and nod, shut up and nod, shut up and nod...

"You can't come here, into my house, and try to intimidated me by threatening to get me fired. I'm a writer, and I won't have you assault my integrity as one, you brute!" What the hell happened to shut up and nod?

Damn It! My mouth had a mind of its own, a very foolish, demented, and suicidal mind.

"Oh, I'm threatening much more than getting you fired. I'm thinking more along the lines of erased from the face of the Earth type of thing. You have ten days to write an official leader of apology, and a retraction of that article. I'll be expecting it on the front page." He sounded angry.

Crap! He is mad.

"No!" There goes that dumb ass mouth of mine, once again trying to get me maimed.

"I'll even start it for you, "Unknown Writer Apologizes to Kaiba Corps. For her Lying and Attention Seeking" how's that for a title, quiet fitting, I think."

"I get your point, just leave already!"

"Oh, and Wheeler, be smart for once." Spoken like a true asshole.

As I watched his very attractive retreating figure trudge down the stairs, I realized that there was only one thing I could do now to save myself.

Eat more ice cream.

A/N: Well that was chapter one. I know I made Serenity sound super mucho pathetic, but I'm just trying to get her into the mold of a "pitiful woman." And don't worry, Kaiba well get a lot meaner. I'm sort of doubtful about this chapter, I'm not sure it's as a good as it can be. I really am in desperate need of a beta. I have no clue how to end chapters effectively. Please email me if you're interested. 


	3. Chapter 2

**Our Romantic Comedy**

By: Caramel Rain

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or anything else for that matter of fact.

Summary: Everyone knows and loves the sweet and innocent Serenity Wheeler her beauty, her charm, and her naivety was renowned. Too bad that won't get her man. It's always Serenity the sister, Serenity the friend, heck even Serenity the back up of the backup of the babysitter. Well no longer is she going to spend her Saturday nights watching Juliet Robert movies and eating toffee; she's dating Seto Kaiba, and she loves it. (For now)

This chapter is going to be written from Kaiba's twisted little point of view. Enjoy!

**Chapter 2**

Meanwhile, at the top level, in the top office sat the top CEO, Seto Kaiba, once again looking peeved and constipated as he read, for the third time that morning, the incriminating article that assaulted his sexuality.

**My Gay Idol, Seto Kaiba**

By Serenity Wheeler, Domino Times Writer

_In order to define the essence of a great and conquering man is to ask him to forfeit his soul without a fight. It is relatively impossible to strip a man of his arrogance once it is established in his miniscule brain that he is superior to all that walk, talk, and breath. Of course that means that he naturally should be dictator of all us useless women that no one else in the world should give a fig leaf about. And for some unknown reason, their own ordained divinity leads them to falsely believe in their absolute attractiveness that mindless, senseless, and idiotic females could not possibly fully appreciate. Therefore all the great men in history have turned out to be gay. Shakespeare, Alexander the Great, the Pope, Seto Kaiba, you name it they are all gay. And these homosexual masculine specimens blame their sexual preference on the inanity and unworthiness of the women that inhibit their world._

_We as females object wholeheartedly of course, but then again what do we know. All women really do is just carry a baby for nine months, push the kid out, and than carry the kid for another nine months, because some of us can't afford strollers. Since the words strong males and cute babies are almost an oxymoron, women are truly worthless creatures that do not deserve to breath the same air as those far superior to them, the male specimen. Such is the case of Japan's own Mr. Kaiba. With wealth and riches that outweigh the kings and queens before our time, and a company escalating across the four oceans of this world, this tyrant is truly the future of the world in his supremacy, arrogance and fondness for men. Mr. Kaiba has never been linked with a woman before, and with his status and looks; he should be flocked with eager and presumptuous females. Why would such a wealthy extravagant man free himself from all the pleasures a woman can provide? One answer stands out clearly above the others. With my condolences to bachelorettes all over the world, I must reveal now, unfortunately, that the Mr. Seto Kaiba, as loaded and pretty as he is, does, in fact, like boys._

Fuming as much as he had the first time he read the cursed and bogus article written by that despicable she-mutt, Kaiba started to rant loudly.

Again.

"Good God, who the hell does that she-Wheeler think she is? Gay, I am as far as a gay as a man could possibly be. I'm very masculine. I am not gay! She should look to her own brother to feed her gay fetish; the Mutt and Motou were not simply just friends." He cackled angrily.

"She better get that retraction article and fast or there will be hell to pay, for her and the mutt. If she had any common sense, whatsoever, left in her than she would write that retraction right away, then again, she was a Wheeler, so she probably didn't have enough common sense to fill up an eggcup." He cackled evilly, thinking of how funny he really was and how witty and pretty and giddy he was. He was just so funny. Oh so funny.

Cackle. Cackle. Cackle.

Stop!

He then decided to cackled evilly some more. 

"Wheeler, Wheeler, Wheeler, you have absolutely no idea what I have in store for you. It doesn't matter if you write the retraction or not, one way or another you are going to be working in some second rate diner, waiting on people hand and foot. I'm just being a dutiful citizen of Domino by putting you in your rightful position in society." He, at that time, began again to cackle, cackle, and cackle.

Kaiba snickered evilly, as evilly as an evil genius with an evil streak and evil intentions could possibly snicker so evilly, after thinking about all the evil things his evil brain had evilly conjured up in order, to evilly torture the not so evil she-Wheeler.

After Kaiba finished cackling at his great evilness he decided to pray to his idol for a good year of evilness.

He retrieved the ultra high-tech remote, from the ultra silver cabinet, across from his ultra expensive desk, where he had been seated moments before, thinking ultra evil thoughts

After retrieving the ultra technology advanced remote control, he pressed an ultra advanced button to open up an ultra advanced closet, which held an ultra advanced image of Hitler.

Kaiba cackled an ultra satisfied crackle at his own genius, of course it did not occur to the ultra genius that he could of just opened the closet that was situated by his desk that conveniently had a door knob, but that would have defeated the ultra flamboyant purpose of going across the gargantuan office to retrieve the shiny remote control and skip across the office again to press the little button that would open the closet door which was by his desk.

People can't say Seto Kaiba took the easy way out.

Kaiba slowly and cautiously kneeled down vigilantly at the ultra technology advance cyber mat and prayed to the adequately framed picture of Hitler while chanting, "To the poor goes the spoiled" (1)

Cackle! Cackle! Hiccup!

"To the poor goes the spoiled"

"To the poor goes the spoiled"

"To the poor goes..."

!Thud!

Unfortunately, Hitler was extremely aggravated today and decided to topple nicely onto Kaiba's head. Nicely, but painfully.

Snap!

Kaiba was now back to his normal, ultra technology advanced, evil self.

He snapped open his eyes that had once been glazed over, glanced around, closed the closet, and left the office.

Abstinence of coffee could do that to a person.

**A/N:**

(1)- That was sort of a distortion of "To the Victory goes the spoils" from an old political cartoon I saw of the presidential race of Andrew Jackson and John Adams. I used poor (Serenity is poor, then again compared to Kaiba who isn't?) and spoiled (spoiled food). I have absolutely no idea why in seven levels of Hell I would use that, but I did.

The Hitler thing, it isn't meant to offend anyone or to be cruel, just something to tie in the prologue.

This chapter was... WEIRD. I had ten cups to many coffees, and I think my AP psyche paper sort of took all the common sense in me.

Anyways, when I was editing this chapter I realized that it was completely irrelevant other than the article part. I'm not even sure yet if I actually wanted to keep this chapter. It was just plain weird. These things sort of play themselves out in my head, and then when other people actually read them, they're like "You're a freak"

This chapter is an over extension of my psycho humor that no one really gets except for my cat, but that's only because I feed her.

I know Kaiba is super retarded and out of character in this chapter, but he'll be back to his normal, hot, scrooge self by next chapter.

InnoscenTorn- you've really been super encouraging with your reviews and I just wanted to say thank you. I've finally read your story and I loved it. It was cute and witty, and POPS, loved him. 


	4. Chapter 3

Our Romantic Comedy 

Caramel

A/N: So it's been a tiny little time span since I've updated this story (try 13 months) I admit- I'm a lazy bum with a new obsession- Kakashi (drools)

Any-hoo. Here is the update that was due about a year ago. Better late than never! - It's a little short but I'm probably going to spit out the next chapter before New Years. So there won't be another year long hiatus.

Enjoy!

**Chapter 3 (DAMN)**

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The eraser end on the pencil connected to the black lab like desk for the thirtieth time in the span of three minutes, with an infuriatingly rhythmic thud.

She and her old fashioned ways still preferred the pencil and paper approach when it came to the creative process.

(five minutes later)

The frumpy librarian like old woman that shared the miniscule cubicle with her was, at that very moment, giving her an "shhh! Quiet in the library!" look.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Then the pencil broke.

Damn.

Back up plan Computer (screw old fashioned ways)

Serenity Wheeler sighed dejectedly as she stared blankly into her computer screen, which just happened to be completely, absolutely, and utterly blank. She had been placidly seated in front of the treacherous monitor for the past two hours and had accomplished an infinite amount of literary achievement- _diddlysquat_. The low sweet hum of the computer monitor was seriously starting to twist her nerve, so she slouched down into her chair as if burying her face into the unpleasant and course fabric of the office chair was any consolidation at all.

(another five minutes later)

Carefully peeking out from under the desk, Serenity dared to give a glance at the monitor hoping for a miracle or a maniac to come out of the mop closet and to write a retraction for the grand pain in the ass also know as Seto Freaking Kaiba. Then, the maniac that just so happened to be her savior would silently creep away, all of this done in the span of five minutes and without her knowledge, of course.

With renewed confidence, Serenity gave the screen an optimistic glance.

Nope.

Still nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Zero.

Zilch.

Goose Egg.

Nada.

Damn.

Oh well. Break time.

The Break Room. Mankind has never known such paradise as the staff members of Dominio Times, after all in this hailed Break Room was a treasure sought by people of all four hundred and fifty eight countries and seven continents (even Antarctica), four words **Krispy Kreme Donuts- FREE!**

After her daily fix of a dozen or eight Krispy Kreme Donuts, Serenity returned to the monitor. With inspiration from the heaven's gift, that she had just so gleefully digested, to the Homo Sapiens Serenity began to write.

My Gay Idol, Seto Kaiba, Part II…

"_It's always been you." He says. "There was never an alternative, never a choice. Only you. Do you not see, I am so blind to the rest of the world and it is all your fault. I just cannot see anything but you. You've poisoned me and I…I don't think I want to be cured."_

"_Oh… but we can't be together, you and I. It would be sin."_

"_I don't care! I … I…love you!"_

_(GASP)_

"_You… You… love me? Oh! My heart pounds with joy! My tears flow with honey! My breast blushes with overwhelming tenderness!"_

"_KISS ME!"_

"It's so BEAUTIFUL! He really loves her!" Her upper lip began to tremble with the force of an overweight gorilla at the sight of twenty-pound bananas.

"Whahhhhhhhhh" Serenity shrieked out an inhumane wail that could have wiped out a small third world country with nuclear capability. It was once again Saturday night, a lonesome, chick flick filled Saturday night. Her choice of poison tonight was a nice sappy anime movie with sadly, only a minimal amount of smut. Hey, a girl has got to get some from somewhere right? Sadly, though she had fallen asleep before the smut had begun.

Another week's end and still the Kaiba article was...well she got the title done. That in it of itself was quite an accomplishment; some writers spend weeks pondering over witty words and pleasant phrases trying to uncover the perfect hook. Serenity already had hers, but that was also all she had…

Damn.

Then again, maybe Kaiba has forgotten all about it. He did say ten days and it has already been (counting fingers and toes) eleven! Yes! He must have forgotten, after all, he is a very important man, and he wouldn't want to waste any of his tremendously precious time on ruining the life of someone as insignificant as she. Yup. That's it. Mmm-hmm. Serenity was trying her very best to convince herself that Kaiba was not the reincarnation of Satan's ex-wife's nephew, and that he would not go to great lengths in order to secure her misery. That he wouldn't ruin her career nor will he force her with demon claws to write a retraction. Deep down inside he was really a good person, who chose to love puppies instead of eating them, so he would take pity and forget about their little... errrr situation. Yup. He was just a sad little boy in need of some loving and some good caramel pecan pie. Yup.

Ding-Dong.

Damn!

She spoke too soon.

End of chapter 3. I know that these chapters are kind of filler-ish (is that a word?) and the plot is moving at turtle speed (much like my updates), but I hate it when stories are too rushed. So you guys are just going have to bear with me- Serenity and Sex God will be making goo-goo eyes in a few more chapters; after I've establish their various character quirks and backgrounds. Someone asked how old they are: Serenity-26 Seto-30

AN/2: Anyone else notice how Serenity's favorite word seems to be Damn?

AN/3: Monotheistic chapter 2 will probably be out in the next month or so- no more death threats- my coffee making skills are too mad to die without me taking an apprentice.


End file.
